Friday, December 23, 2011

This is getting ridiculous.

I have no place to vent. None whatsoever. And believe me, I have plenty to vent about.

All of it concerning the girl who I call my best friend, who asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. She is probably the most selfish person I've ever met. There. I said it. Everything in the world revolves around her, and it's beyond ridiculous. She's 17. She's getting married to a guy she only just met 6 months ago. She asked me to be her maid of honor, yet gets seriously defensive when I offhandedly mention that there's a slim (and I do mean slim) possibility of me getting married a couple months after her.

I'm having a courthouse wedding...

Yet somehow that means I won't be able to focus on her wedding? I'm sorry, since when did my marriage revolve around her schedule? I know what I could handle. I'm handling more than my maid of honor duties already, and her wedding is a year and a half away. If she had any doubts at all that I wasn't who she wanted, she shouldn't have asked. She has quite a while before that even needs to be decided. But she asked me in the middle of David's Bridal and I couldn't bring myself to say no. Even though I don't support her marriage. Even though I'm jealous that she's getting everything I want.

I know, patience. It's important to be patient and to wait for the timing to be right. I just wish it was already. But Matt has a crappy job that barely puts gas in his car and pays his phone bill and not even his GED. I'm in college, working on becoming a teacher. In a year and a half, I'll be at the point where they tell you to quit your job - because I'll be working a full-time, unpaid job in other people's classrooms.

I want my own classroom. I could handle it, I know I could, but no one would hire me without that stupid bachelor's degree. I don't even want to be in college. It's a waste of my time and my parent's money.

I'm so frustrated with everything today. It's absolutely ridiculous. I can't say anything to Renee because Lord knows what she'll do. I swear I don't know why I'm friends with her, after the things she's said to me on multiple occasions - things your "best friend" should never say to you, no matter how mad they are.

But I'm not going to quit this maid of honor thing. I'm not that kind of person. I won't walk out on her like that, no matter how much I may want to or how much better for my own sanity it would be. I just have to watch my tongue around her. Nothing about my own eventual marriage or about myself. If she's around, I can only talk purely of her wedding and her life. I'll talk about myself to someone else - on here, I suppose, though I doubt anyone will ever read it.

Merry freakin' Christmas.